Rough week

It's been a particularly rough week at school and just in general.

I broke one of my new year's goals by only working out 2 times this week instead of 3. Fail.

My algebra 2 class was awful all week long. They were wild and no matter what I did, I couldn't get them to calm down.

I gave a test to that same algebra 2 class and the grades were not so good... that's always discouraging.

I caught one of my really good fun algebra 2 students giving answers to 2 other students on a study guide. It broke my heart. It hurt. A lot.

I got a 5K donation envelope that had no check in it because the donor forgot to seal it... fantastic.

I felt like a terrible physics teacher ALL WEEK LONG because I kept butchering problems when I was trying to explain them or I was confusing my students. It was really frustrating to me considering physics was my major in college. I should be a pro at it! Instead, my incredibly smart physics students were correcting me every other problem and bringing up questions I wasn't sure how to answer. It was a nightmare. I've always been scared my students would be smarter than me since I had to work hard in physics to do well... I nervous that nightmare has become reality.

I got observed for an environment observation on Thursday. My algebra 1 class was taking a test, but by the time he came in, they were mostly done so I let them get on the computers or play some of my quiet logic games at their seat. I got a low score because students were "out of control" and I wasn't managing behavior. THEY WERE QUIET!!! That's all I care about when other students are taking a test, frankly. I don't understand why because they weren't all still sitting at their seats scribbling furiously on some useless time wasting assignment after the test, that they are automatically considered out of control. Ridiculous.

The weather has been pretty depressing too. I need sunshine in my life. Being in rainy, cloudy, landlocked TN is really a struggle for me right now considering this time last year I was living in 75 degree weather where it was sunny 6 days of the week.

Speaking of this time last year, I've also had disney depression all this week. On Tuesday night I looked up jobs in Osceola County, FL where Disney World is. I found 2 physics teaching jobs. I wouldn't leave now, but it's tempting to go down there where it's sunny and warm most of the time. I miss my friends from Disney. I know they aren't still there, but a few of them are going to be moving back in a year or so for good and I would love to re-live that experience. I just wish I could rewind and live that whole Disney CP experience all over again. It was amazing and yes, I'm thankful for the experience, but I resent it's lingering after taste that leaves me longing for a non-realistic life living in Cinderella's castle with Katie, Emily, Jacks, Kelli, and Bri. It's depressing.

Not only do I miss my Disney experience, but I also miss the college experience. I was really down this week about how I didn't feel like I had any friends. Now I know this isn't true, but I feel like that because there are only about 2 people other than my roommate that I could call up and say "hey let's go get ice cream in 10 minutes" and it could happen. I miss that ready access you have in college and that I also had at Disney to friends where you can just load up and go do something fun for a little bit. Instead, all of my close college and Disney friends now live in Utah, Illinois, Murfreesboro, Smyrna, and Nashville. The latter 3 are just a short drive, but as a girl saving for my masters and my baseball trip fund, I can't afford (with my gas guzzler) to drive every weekend to Nashville or further. Therefore I'm left to foster relationships every few weeks with visits, every week with phone calls, and every month or so with cards. I feel so alone.

This contributed to me wanting to move. I feel so comfortable here in Springfield that I guess I thought if I moved I would be forced to put myself out there and make new friends, but then I think about on The Holiday when Cameron Diaz trades houses and goes to England for Christmas to get away from thinking about how alone she is... and she feels even more alone when she gets there. I can't run from my loneliness. It will follow me. I make the decision to be lonely or not. I need to make new friends and put myself out there no matter where I am. It's hard when I live in a town that I've lived in my whole life except for college. I pray that God will help me see the joy and how I can be content no matter what my situation or where I find myself in life.

It took a little verbal smack in the face from my lovely friend Brooke to help me see all of this. Yes crappy stuff happened this week. We all have those weeks. And we all feel really alone, but moving to FL won't change that. If I feel that I should move because of right reasons then I should go, but she said I shouldn't run from being alone. And thinking about it even more, isn't this the time when I should be turning to God? I'm never really alone, right? I'm trying so hard to feel him and see him and it's just not happening for me right now. I read his Word and pray to him. Maybe it's my turn to listen. Maybe I should shut off the music for a few minutes or just sit up without playing words with friends at night and just meditate. I've done all the complaining and talking and I guess if I want guidance I need to listen.

So despite all this loneliness and "depression" I did have a few good positive moments this week to share!

This one actually happened last week, but in response to me writing a problem on the board and telling students to "put the baby in the calculator and see what you get" one really quiet boy said "Miss Duncan, that problem is about the size of a baby." BAHAHAHA! I laughed so hard. I think it may have been more funny to me than most anyone else, but if you knew the student you'd think it was hilarious. Also, another teacher told me that that same student was talking about that moment later on in the week. Hilarious!

I have already lost 8 pounds from working out!!! 2 pounds from my goal! Now my new goal is going to be 15 pounds altogether!

I conducted my first lab as a physics teacher. It went ok. The girls didn't particularly care for it since it was a paper airplanes lab, but the boys LOVED IT!

I had to really get on to a student in the hallway for being so disrespectful to me in front of the class (I'm getting to the positive part...). It took a lot out of me and I hated to do it, but I had put up with enough and I was about to explode! So I wrote him up afterwards and gave it to the principal. The next morning she and him came to me and he apologized and very sincerely told me that I was a really good teacher and he was learning a lot from me and that he didn't want to go back to the other algebra 2 teacher (whom he had last semester). He said he would respect me from now on (we did still have a little issue later that day in class, but I handled it quietly) and that he knew I was his ticket to graduate and that he would work really hard for me. Now my principal assured me that there have been teachers that that same student has disrespected before that he absolutely refused to apologize to. She told me that I have already won him over, but it's going to take a little time for him to actually show that. She reassured me that I was a great teacher and doing a great job otherwise, this student and her would still be in her office arguing about whether he was in the right or wrong for disrespecting me in front of the class. This made my Friday morning a little better!

Last night, I got an encouraging text from another teacher at school who is a close friend telling me that I was doing a great job with the kids and that my physics kids were bragging on me and my class! I was so happy, especially after thinking this week in physics went terribly!

The good student that I caught cheating did apologize to me the next day and said it wouldn't happen again. I will still be cautious, but it was good to hear an apology.

Life has it's ups and downs, it's up to me to decide if I'm going to dwell on the downs and let them last longer than they should. Even if there is no SUNshine in my life each day, I am going to make a focused effort to bask in the SONshine EVERY day!

Glory to God,
Katelyn